Getting to Know Belgium

this is not paella

Belgium is a little country with a big identity crisis. It is in Europe. Europe is that small appendage that hangs off the left side of the Soviet Union. Sometimes Europe lets us put our missiles and tanks there to help us stop Communism, and in exchange we sell them Coca-cola. But that´s not all Europe is good for. It´s also where a lot of the culture comes from. Culture is that stuff they keep in libraries. Belgium has two kinds of culture and this is where the identity crisis comes in.

In Belgium, you have the Amish in the north and the Balloons in the south. The Amish speak Dutch, which was invented when drunken English sailors tried to speak German, and the Balloons speak French, which is why French fries are called French fries even though they are really Belgian fries. You know what other kind of food Belgians invented? That´s right, Belgian waffles!

Now, you probably think you know all about Belgian waffles if you have ever been to the fine chain of American restaurants called Waffle House, but trust me, you don´t. If you are European, maybe you don´t know what Waffle House is, but I am confident that you can imagine it. Just watch a lot of the worst American reality shows and then imagine the kind of place those people would like to eat, where everything is loaded with sugar and chemicals and fat, and all the people are fat and have never been to a library. That´s Waffle House. You may think to yourself, "I am being unfair. America isn´t really like that. It´s just what I want to think." Well, you´d be wrong. I love Waffle House, but it has nothing to do with Belgian waffles.

Belgian waffles are very sweet. They are more like a dessert or a snack. You buy them on the street at little waffle stands. They are delicious. Sometimes you see places in other European countries which say they sell Belgian waffles, but they don´t really. They just take some batter and ruin it into the shape of the bottom of a tennis shoe. Don´t eat those things. Go to Belgium. Only the Belgians can make waffles correctly. Belgian waffles have chunks of sugar mixed with fat in the middle. This is what makes them so good. You know in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves when they are working in the mine and the diamonds are big and shiny and fully cut and just kind of bursting out of the cave wall? This is what the sugar chunks are like when you bite into a Belgian waffle. That reminds me. Belgium is also famous for diamonds. You should visit Belgium sometime. They are also really famous for beer.

DAVID TREFZ